It’s February and Colette and Olivia are just two girls, standing on a stage in a historic and iconic gay bar, asking you to love them very publicly and loudly and demonstratively in order to make up for all the middle school dances that they went to alone. (Such a waste of Lip Smackers, tbh…) Join the ladies of ITWAN as they publicly sort through all of their Tinder & Bumble & Hinge messages from ethically nonmonogamous former philosophy majors who claim to be feminists but keep sending them unsolicited dick pics. That's right, they're talking about DATING!
With Fitbits ready to track all of their bits, first generation iPods safely cuffed to their arms, and jock straps firmly strapped (and stuffed), Colette and Olivia are ready to put the leisure back into #athleisure and subtract the health from health goth. While your mom is elbow-deep in a vat of guacamole and spray cheese trying to build a to-scale recreation of Maroon 5 performing at the Super Bowl, join the ITWAN ladies at the iconic Stonewall Inn as they talk about the one thing that Olivia is always trying to talk about and the one thing that Colette has been trying to avoid ever since splitting her pants during the kickball tournament in first grade: SPORTS!
Because the world is on fire (both literally and figuratively), the ladies of ITWAN thought it was only right to dedicate an entire show to the gal who has been helping them get through this incredibly trying time and also college and also high school and also more than a few weird nights in Bushwick bars and also, if they’re being honest, a couple of Saturday mornings where nothing else was going on really but that’s fine, it’s not like they have a problem or anything, come on - DRUGS! So fill that cute pill organizer that you bought on Etsy with your favorite supplements and tell those cool teens slouching on the corner that you don’t smoke weed, you smoke clowns like them on the b-ball court.
With emotions running high from trying to teach their moms how to turn on an iPad and the entire plot line of Terminator 2 running through their heads (well, let's be honest, they're mostly just thinking of Linda Hamilton in a tank top) (hellllloooo nurse, amirite?), Colette and Olivia are pulling on their finest Steve Jobs turtlenecks and heading back to the Stonewall stage! Because they spent most of summer vacation watching TED Talks and NOT breaking their phones, the ladies of ITWAN have decided they have the expertise and education required to talk about the girl who truly runs the world: TECHNOLOGY! Does Olivia understand why her computer keeps shutting off whenever her charger falls out? No! Does Colette keep loudly referring to engineering and programming as "bleep boop stuff"? Embarrassingly yes! But these two millennials are stepping out of the Babetrix and taking on all your bleep bloop stuff, TED style. (By the way - who is Ted?)
With month-old lemon wedges floating in their Britas and the words “NO, NOPE, NOT TODAY, DICKWEEDS” typed and ready to send in at least fifteen different text threads , Colette and Olivia have finally accepted that their bodies are temples and their minds are Apple stores and these buildings need a little upkeep before they’re condemned. Being alive in 2018 feels like the emotional version of chub rub but don’t worry - the ladies of ITWAN have enough cucumbers slices for everybody! Come join these GOOP gals at the iconic Stonewall Inn as they talk about the buzzword that has everyone dabbing on serums and screaming into pillows, SELF CARE! It’s going to be like a real life Refinery29 article except way more drunk and horny. So bring along your favorite bath salts (…the legal kind, preferably) and a long-held grudge for an evening of luxurious pampering, i.e., extreme pessimism.
With their French manicures slowly drying and an email from their “lawyer” (RobertDelanoJustice@earthlink.com) that declares that they are, in fact, very rich German heiresses, Colette and Olivia are fully prepared for the Summer of Scam. It’s Pride, honey, and these gorgeous grifters are hacking into every heterosexual’s Venmo account and taking what is theirs!!!! (i.e., stealing funds to get themselves some Swarovski belly chains… They’re gonna be the blingiest babes at Jacob Riis!) Cash rules everything around us and the ladies of ITWAN have something to say about it - join them at the iconic Stonewall Inn as they talk about the only thing that keeps them up at night (besides every mistake they’ve made from 2000 to 2012), MONEY. They may not know how taxes work or really understand what communism is but they voted for Bernie Sanders so get off their backs! Spend your SATURDAY (yes this show is on Saturday - crazy things happen during Pride!!) with these legends of the “price: low to high” button. It may be all about the Benjamins but these Betties are gonna give you ev-e-ry-thing. (Metaphorically. They’re keeping all their stuff.) (Fuck off, Marie Kondo.)
With their carabiners fully exposed and a couple of old issues of 'Zoobooks' from their dentists’ offices in their back pockets, Colette and Olivia are straight up coming for Bindi Irwin’s coin. Now that the fabled beast Winter has been vanquished once more and the weather feels like how the song “Despacito” sounds and they’ve actually shaved their legs, the ladies of ITWAN are finally opening their front doors and discovering there’s a flashy new It Girl in town and her name is NATURE! Things are alive and everywhere and Colette and Olivia need to talk about it. So join these two hot birches at the Stonewall Inn as they flirt with flora, fawn over fauna, talk shit about rocks (fuck you, rocks!!!!), and reveal what’s inside of their doomsday bunkers. (Spoiler: it’s mostly just S’well bottles filled with La Croix because they know that a Mad Max: Fury Road future is fast approaching, but that doesn’t mean they can’t keep it fashion!!!!)
THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN! After spending a whole week and a half in Los Angeles, Colette and Olivia are back in the New York groove & feeling better & looking dewier than ever before. Really & truly - after all the tinctures of “living clay” that they drank, vegan gluten-free small batch flagellum-infused reishi buddha bowls that they ate, and social media influencers that they saw social media influencing in that wacky city to the west, even their poos feel rich & luxurious!!!!!
I Think We're Alone Now is making its West Coast debut! After two years of embarrassing their parents in front of packed houses at New York’s historic Stonewall Inn, Colette and Olivia are bringing their show to Los Angeles to talk about the sweatiest sin, LUST. Valentine’s Day is over which means it’s time for that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff. (Wait…is it supposed to be gushy?) Get your tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/i-think-were-alone-now-at-the-nerdmelt-showroom-tickets-43482878460
With their Tinder age ranges set *DJ Khaled voice* all the way up and their Chrome windows in incognito, these Harry Thotters are taking on the deadliest sin, LUST. Valentine’s Day is over which means it’s time for that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff. (Wait…is it supposed to be gushy?) That “hey u up?” stuff. That “falling asleep with my Hitachi wand still hanging out of my underwear” stuff. Things are sure to get mOiSt and the ladies of ITWAN are slippery when wet so be sure to wear some waterproof shoes with strong treads.
Practice your pronunciation of “un autre verre, s'il vous plait”, put all your valuables in a waterproof fanny pack, and make sure to bring extra socks because your mile high hunnies Colette and Olivia are dragging their baggage (metaphorical & otherwise) back to the Stonewall stage and they’re real greedy when it comes to overhead storage!!! With a pair of sensible flats on and Purell in the least expected places, these Patagonia papis are serving up comedy by the 3.4 oz and talking about all things TRAVEL.
Ok #NOSPOILERS but Colette and Olivia are returning to the Stonewall stage for ~their last show of the year~ and things are gonna be real “I wish I could quit you” slash “We’re not in Kansas anymore” slash “four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco.” With popcorn stuck in every crevice of their bodies and two thumbs ready to go all the way down, the girls of I Think We’re Alone Now are talking about America’s favorite pastime and one of the greatest threats to women’s sanity and safety, MOVIES!!!!